Listen to Understand

I really sat up and took notice when I read the heading of Gottman's paragraph "The Key To ALL Conflict Resolution" in Chapter 7.  I thought, "Wouldn't we all love to know the key to that"?  His principle for conflict resolution is so simple and easy I don't know how I haven't realized it before.  He states, "It's just a fact that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are.  When people feel criticized, disliked and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves." 

 

And I had the perfect example of his principle come to life this week while I was talking with my daughter.  She has been very frustrated with the path her life has taken lately. She recently moved across the country with her husband and has not been able to find a job and has just graduated college.  She felt stuck in a rut she couldn't climb out from.  As she is (dramatically) venting to me all of her frustrations, I began to "fix" the problem by telling her she should volunteer, or serve with the missionaries, or go to the gym, etc.  The more suggestions I gave, the angrier she became.  The angrier she became, the more frustrated and annoyed I got with her.  We were going around in circles! After several minutes of spinning our wheels, I remembered this paragraph about conflict resolution and told her I was proud of her and wanted to support her.  She thought I was insinuating that she was being lazy or unproductive when I was giving her suggestions, while I was getting frustrated thinking I was only trying to help.  

 

Once I expressed my appreciation for her, and sympathized with her situation, our conversation took on an entirely different tone.  We had a wonderful talk that ended on a positive note, and she was willing to listen to some ideas that might help her situation.  There is a great, old adage that says "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar." Gottman also states in this chapter, "Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you." I learned from this that in order for a conflict to be resolved with love and respect, it must begin by expressing our love and appreciation for the other person and our desire to understand their perspective.

Beware of Pride

Pride is a very interesting and misunderstood concept.  We all want to be "proud" or our children, and we want our parents to be "proud" of us and our accomplishments.  But we have been told from a young age not to be "prideful".  So what is pride, exactly? Or humility?  Is it the opposite of pride? President Ezra Taft Benson defines pride in his May, 1989 Ensign article entitled Beware of Pride :

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.) Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled." 

This chapter could not have come at the more perfect time.  I consider my husband to be one of those enlightened, "emotionally intelligent" spouses that Gottman's Principle 4 (Let your partner influence you) describes. He is a wonderful father, supportive and humble spouse EXCEPT when he gets around friends or family! I don't know what it is about being around other people that brings out the "prideful" side of my usually sweet and thoughtful hubby! I don't know if he doesn't want to appear weak or powerless in front of them. His demeanor goes from tender to tough once he gets in front of the guys. He appears to be at enmity with me!

We've had many "discussions" on this phenomenon in the past. This particular evening, however, he asked me what I was reading.  I showed him some of the quotes from Goddard's book regarding humility and pride. He read the paragraph quoting President Benson's sermon which states, "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves... How everything affects me is the center of all that matters- self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking".  That opened up the opportunity to discuss an incident that happened at our family's house the day before.  It was like a light bulb went on!  He said he never even realized he was putting me down by making himself look "manly". 

I am so grateful for this chance to study on humility and pride because it gave my husband and me the reason to have a stress-reducing conversation (as described in Principle 4) about a situation that could be improved in our marriage.  It turned out to be a great blessing for us.