If you can live with 'em, I can live around 'em

     My dad had a great saying that I have remembered and repeated many times over the years.  He said "If you can live with them, I can live around them!"  When it comes to choosing another person's spouse, the only person that has the final say is the one that is walking down the isle (or kneeling at the alter.) I cannot count the number of times I have heard a friend say "I really don't like my daughter (or son's) finance...or family".  I find that incredibly sad, because they are missing out on the joy of adding a new member to the family, and it creates contention for years.  

I clearly remember the advice my mother gave me when I was having a hard time adjusting to my new in-laws (who are vastly different from my family).  She said "You have to find something about them you love and then build on that.  It is the worst feeling in the world to be at odds with your in-laws." I did find something about them that I loved, and consider them as close as my own parents. That is the same advice I passed on to my daughters.  There are some people you love, and some people you just don't know well enough yet. A familial relationship is not spontaneously created by a wedding ceremony.  It must be nurtured, just like the relationship with a spouse.  

     I learned long ago from my own parents and in-laws what kind of a mother-in-law I wanted to be.  And my three daughter's have chosen wonderful, but very diverse, spouses.  

One son-in-law is from a divorced family and an inactive father.  

Another daughter married a young man whose parents attempt to be very enmeshed in their lives, insisting most of their free time is spent with them.  

My youngest is married to a Brazilian, so cultures are somewhat different.  

     However, I love each son-in-law and each of their families with all of my heart.  As a matter of fact, whenever a daughter might complain about their husbands (which is very rare), I usually take his side and ask my daughter to think about what a great husband they have.  I try not to intrude or give unsolicited advice.  However, that is much easier for me since each of my daughters live on different continents.  (Africa, USA and Brazil). I had loved Pres Hinckley's many, many admonitions for us to be a more kind people, and to "try a little harder to be a little better."  Those attributes applied to family can create an atmosphere of love and joy when welcoming new family members. 

Here is a picture of my fun, crazy, loving, diverse family at my youngest daughter's wedding.

How could you NOT love this fabulous bunch of family and in-laws?

It's a tough job....but someone has to do it.

     Being a parent often means doubting yourself, feeling guilty that you did (or didn't) do something, worry, insecurity.....and the list goes on and on.  Well-meaning parents can get confused by so many methods of discipline, studies and guidelines that are put forth by friends, family, and media.  Everyone seems to have a different way of parenting, and can be judgmental about the parenting style of others. And just when a parent thinks they are finally treading water, they add another one to the family!  

However, if parents would look to the teachings of the gospel and the guidelines of the Proclamation on the Family, we would find clear and specific answers for parenting.  

 

     Richard Miller's article entitled "Who's The Boss" gives wonderful gospel insight on family relationships.  He quotes several church leaders, and even the Proclamation, to solidify the truth that all families need leadership and direction the way the Lord has suggested. Understanding that the parents are leaders and that they should be united equally in leadership is the main theme of this article.  I have seen families destroyed as parents treat their children as friends instead of their steward.  I have seen other parent/child relationships crumble as adult children, eager for independence, are controlled by parents not allowing them freedom of choice.  So where is that "fine line" that produces well-adjusted, faithful, independent children?  I wish I had the answer for that!  Each children and each parent is different.  I think one of the best answers lay in Richard Miller's article.  A quote by Marion G Romney states, "They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action.  They should consult, pray, and decide together…"

 

     Working toward a common goal of raising children in the gospel, and praying for direction and guidance, is the best way for parents to address different issues that confront families in today's society. Being a parent is hard work!  But I LOVE Elder Holland's quote from this last general conference, "To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, 'Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are."  It takes away the sting and replaces it with hope, knowing that the Lord will not leave us alone in our stewardship if we only seek Him.

Intimacy in marriage

     Intimacy in marriage is an important and vital aspect of a happy and healthy relationship. However, within the church, parents and leaders are still so reluctant to talk about its boundaries in a clear, concise, unashamed, balanced way.  As a young women's leader, and as a mother of three daughters, I always felt it a major disservice to "gloss" over and sugarcoat lessons and discussions related to morality.  

     I had my own person motto, "The world is so bold, that I must be bold in talking to my children about sex".  Many young women have questions they feel they can't ask their parents because sex is a "taboo" topic.  I believe we must incorporate open and honest discussions about intimacy and their place in a marital relationship with our children before the world teaches them, for because the world surely will.

     When trusted loved ones refuse to give young people the answers they seek regarding intimacy, they seek other sources for the answers. Those sources may not be reliable and may do harm in helping the young person build a happy, healthy relationship. The media, internet, friends, etc, are dangerous resources to open our children to because we are too "uncomfortable" to discuss the most beautiful and divinely appointed aspects of marriage.

     A quote from our reading this week states, "One great problem in this, as in all other aspects of marriage, is selfishness. I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves".  (Brent Barlow; They Twain Shall Be One).  I don't think anyone has ever heard in a divorce court a litigant say, "I want a divorce because they were too selfless".  Selfishness seems to be one of Satan's greatest tools.  When it comes to physical intimacy, selfishness can cause a spouse to feel degraded, or used, or unworthy.  Only thinking of each other's needs before intimacy even begins can we hope to be giving and unselfish. When it comes to marital relationships, I truly believe that selfishness is founded in lack of knowledge about the divine nature of intimacy and respect for our partner.

     I am so blessed to be married to someone who was loving, supportive, and understanding when we first were married. I was like nearly all young,newly married LDS women.  I was very naive, and had no knowledge regarding intimacy and the role it was supposed to play in our relationship.  It was a difficult adjustment.  That is why I was very adamant about being open and honest with our daughters, and I believed it helped them adjust better when they married.

True Charity

     The C.S. Lewis quote in Goodard's book hit a bit close to home and caused me to seriously reflect on my attitude about charity.  In the quote, he states, "...nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity...surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is."  (or, in this case, woman). I did some soul searching about some of my knee-jerk reactions, and realize that many of them are when I am caught off-guard, and they are usually directed at the ones I love the most.  The annoyed reactions and impatience come with kids forgetting assignments or last minute needs.  Sometimes they are from altered schedules or unexpected guests.  I learned from this chapter that having charity does not mean I have to LIKE those things, but my reactions reflect on who I am as a wife, mother and daughter of God.  I recognize it now when my husband approaches me cautiously to tell me about an unforeseen meeting or change in our plans.

     Charity for those around me sometimes requires me to not verbalize my frustrations, but rather to understand I do not have to necessarily like the actions, but to love the person. I often get overwhelmed in the moment, and say more than I should.  To be charitable to my loved ones, I need to take on the following example: 

 

 

     I also loved the statement by Elder Max Caldwell that gives further insight into the true meaning of the word charity.  He compares charity to three dimensions of love of Christ; Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and love like Christ.   He explains that when we feel the love from Christ, we feel greater love for Christ, and are more capable of loving like Christ, which is true charity.  One of my daughters has the great gift of seeing other people as God sees them.  To her, they are beautiful, valued children of God.  I honestly have never seen her have guile for anyone.  She is able to give others the benefit of the doubt and is not cynical or judgmental when others look or act differently. I admire that gift and see it as pure charity. It is difficult to show charity if you feel pity for yourself or victimized by others. Charity requires us to step "out" of ourselves, beyond our wants and desires, and think of others first, as Christ set the example.    

Listen to Understand

I really sat up and took notice when I read the heading of Gottman's paragraph "The Key To ALL Conflict Resolution" in Chapter 7.  I thought, "Wouldn't we all love to know the key to that"?  His principle for conflict resolution is so simple and easy I don't know how I haven't realized it before.  He states, "It's just a fact that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are.  When people feel criticized, disliked and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves." 

 

And I had the perfect example of his principle come to life this week while I was talking with my daughter.  She has been very frustrated with the path her life has taken lately. She recently moved across the country with her husband and has not been able to find a job and has just graduated college.  She felt stuck in a rut she couldn't climb out from.  As she is (dramatically) venting to me all of her frustrations, I began to "fix" the problem by telling her she should volunteer, or serve with the missionaries, or go to the gym, etc.  The more suggestions I gave, the angrier she became.  The angrier she became, the more frustrated and annoyed I got with her.  We were going around in circles! After several minutes of spinning our wheels, I remembered this paragraph about conflict resolution and told her I was proud of her and wanted to support her.  She thought I was insinuating that she was being lazy or unproductive when I was giving her suggestions, while I was getting frustrated thinking I was only trying to help.  

 

Once I expressed my appreciation for her, and sympathized with her situation, our conversation took on an entirely different tone.  We had a wonderful talk that ended on a positive note, and she was willing to listen to some ideas that might help her situation.  There is a great, old adage that says "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar." Gottman also states in this chapter, "Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you." I learned from this that in order for a conflict to be resolved with love and respect, it must begin by expressing our love and appreciation for the other person and our desire to understand their perspective.

Beware of Pride

Pride is a very interesting and misunderstood concept.  We all want to be "proud" or our children, and we want our parents to be "proud" of us and our accomplishments.  But we have been told from a young age not to be "prideful".  So what is pride, exactly? Or humility?  Is it the opposite of pride? President Ezra Taft Benson defines pride in his May, 1989 Ensign article entitled Beware of Pride :

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.) Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled." 

This chapter could not have come at the more perfect time.  I consider my husband to be one of those enlightened, "emotionally intelligent" spouses that Gottman's Principle 4 (Let your partner influence you) describes. He is a wonderful father, supportive and humble spouse EXCEPT when he gets around friends or family! I don't know what it is about being around other people that brings out the "prideful" side of my usually sweet and thoughtful hubby! I don't know if he doesn't want to appear weak or powerless in front of them. His demeanor goes from tender to tough once he gets in front of the guys. He appears to be at enmity with me!

We've had many "discussions" on this phenomenon in the past. This particular evening, however, he asked me what I was reading.  I showed him some of the quotes from Goddard's book regarding humility and pride. He read the paragraph quoting President Benson's sermon which states, "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves... How everything affects me is the center of all that matters- self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking".  That opened up the opportunity to discuss an incident that happened at our family's house the day before.  It was like a light bulb went on!  He said he never even realized he was putting me down by making himself look "manly". 

I am so grateful for this chance to study on humility and pride because it gave my husband and me the reason to have a stress-reducing conversation (as described in Principle 4) about a situation that could be improved in our marriage.  It turned out to be a great blessing for us.

The Stress Reducing Conversation

I love the story told by Bart Benson in Goddard's book about the young missionary who gave marriage counsel to a ward member who was struggling with his wife over his church membership.  The advise given was for the husband was to take his wife into his arms, say I love you, and that nothing would replace her whenever they would argue, especially about the church.  That was such wise counsel from the missionary!  The wife was reacting out of fear, and once the husband stopped reacting to the fear with anger, but rather assurance, they could have a productive conversation.  This went hand in hand with Gottman's exercise, "The Stress Reducing Conversation".  

I wanted to cheer (I actually think I did!) when I read his 8 points on having a mutually beneficial conversation with our spouse.  The caring husband in the story used most of the points laid out by Gottman.  Instead of shouting at each other, he listened to his wife (#1- take turns), he didn't tell her how she should or shouldn't feel (#2- don't give unsolicited advice), told her he loved her (#7- express affection), and declared that nothing would replace her (#8- validate emotions).  What a treasure trove of wisdom in handling relationship conflicts!!  I could have avoided countless arguments over the years knowing these simple steps. The eight tools for listening techniques for stress-reducing conversations are:

1. Take turns

2. Don't give unsolicited advice

3. Show genuine interest

4. Communicate your understanding

5. Take your spouse's side

6. Express a "we against others" attitude

7. Express affection

8. Validate emotions

It took my husband and I years to  negotiate emotional conversations because he wanted to "fix" it, and I just wanted to vent my frustrations.  Or I would take the opposite view with my husband's issues in the hope that I was "helping" him see the larger picture.  We finally did learn, as was suggested by Gottman, to clarify our intentions and needs before we got into an emotionally charged issue- whether it was about each other, or about someone or something else we were dealing with.  I would say "I just need you to listen, and not fix it", or he would say "I need you to listen for understanding about my side of this issue".  Laying out the expectations beforehand did help us come to a resolution together.

One person I regard as a true expert in loving, successful marriages is Richard G. Scott.  He gave many General Conference talks about family, marriage, and happy relationships.  Below is a link to a  portion of my favorite General Conference talk from Elder Richards speaking on the Christ-like love for his dear wife and family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwHmjd70cso

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