If you can live with 'em, I can live around 'em

     My dad had a great saying that I have remembered and repeated many times over the years.  He said "If you can live with them, I can live around them!"  When it comes to choosing another person's spouse, the only person that has the final say is the one that is walking down the isle (or kneeling at the alter.) I cannot count the number of times I have heard a friend say "I really don't like my daughter (or son's) finance...or family".  I find that incredibly sad, because they are missing out on the joy of adding a new member to the family, and it creates contention for years.  

I clearly remember the advice my mother gave me when I was having a hard time adjusting to my new in-laws (who are vastly different from my family).  She said "You have to find something about them you love and then build on that.  It is the worst feeling in the world to be at odds with your in-laws." I did find something about them that I loved, and consider them as close as my own parents. That is the same advice I passed on to my daughters.  There are some people you love, and some people you just don't know well enough yet. A familial relationship is not spontaneously created by a wedding ceremony.  It must be nurtured, just like the relationship with a spouse.  

     I learned long ago from my own parents and in-laws what kind of a mother-in-law I wanted to be.  And my three daughter's have chosen wonderful, but very diverse, spouses.  

One son-in-law is from a divorced family and an inactive father.  

Another daughter married a young man whose parents attempt to be very enmeshed in their lives, insisting most of their free time is spent with them.  

My youngest is married to a Brazilian, so cultures are somewhat different.  

     However, I love each son-in-law and each of their families with all of my heart.  As a matter of fact, whenever a daughter might complain about their husbands (which is very rare), I usually take his side and ask my daughter to think about what a great husband they have.  I try not to intrude or give unsolicited advice.  However, that is much easier for me since each of my daughters live on different continents.  (Africa, USA and Brazil). I had loved Pres Hinckley's many, many admonitions for us to be a more kind people, and to "try a little harder to be a little better."  Those attributes applied to family can create an atmosphere of love and joy when welcoming new family members. 

Here is a picture of my fun, crazy, loving, diverse family at my youngest daughter's wedding.

How could you NOT love this fabulous bunch of family and in-laws?

It's a tough job....but someone has to do it.

     Being a parent often means doubting yourself, feeling guilty that you did (or didn't) do something, worry, insecurity.....and the list goes on and on.  Well-meaning parents can get confused by so many methods of discipline, studies and guidelines that are put forth by friends, family, and media.  Everyone seems to have a different way of parenting, and can be judgmental about the parenting style of others. And just when a parent thinks they are finally treading water, they add another one to the family!  

However, if parents would look to the teachings of the gospel and the guidelines of the Proclamation on the Family, we would find clear and specific answers for parenting.  

 

     Richard Miller's article entitled "Who's The Boss" gives wonderful gospel insight on family relationships.  He quotes several church leaders, and even the Proclamation, to solidify the truth that all families need leadership and direction the way the Lord has suggested. Understanding that the parents are leaders and that they should be united equally in leadership is the main theme of this article.  I have seen families destroyed as parents treat their children as friends instead of their steward.  I have seen other parent/child relationships crumble as adult children, eager for independence, are controlled by parents not allowing them freedom of choice.  So where is that "fine line" that produces well-adjusted, faithful, independent children?  I wish I had the answer for that!  Each children and each parent is different.  I think one of the best answers lay in Richard Miller's article.  A quote by Marion G Romney states, "They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action.  They should consult, pray, and decide together…"

 

     Working toward a common goal of raising children in the gospel, and praying for direction and guidance, is the best way for parents to address different issues that confront families in today's society. Being a parent is hard work!  But I LOVE Elder Holland's quote from this last general conference, "To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, 'Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are."  It takes away the sting and replaces it with hope, knowing that the Lord will not leave us alone in our stewardship if we only seek Him.

Intimacy in marriage

     Intimacy in marriage is an important and vital aspect of a happy and healthy relationship. However, within the church, parents and leaders are still so reluctant to talk about its boundaries in a clear, concise, unashamed, balanced way.  As a young women's leader, and as a mother of three daughters, I always felt it a major disservice to "gloss" over and sugarcoat lessons and discussions related to morality.  

     I had my own person motto, "The world is so bold, that I must be bold in talking to my children about sex".  Many young women have questions they feel they can't ask their parents because sex is a "taboo" topic.  I believe we must incorporate open and honest discussions about intimacy and their place in a marital relationship with our children before the world teaches them, for because the world surely will.

     When trusted loved ones refuse to give young people the answers they seek regarding intimacy, they seek other sources for the answers. Those sources may not be reliable and may do harm in helping the young person build a happy, healthy relationship. The media, internet, friends, etc, are dangerous resources to open our children to because we are too "uncomfortable" to discuss the most beautiful and divinely appointed aspects of marriage.

     A quote from our reading this week states, "One great problem in this, as in all other aspects of marriage, is selfishness. I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves".  (Brent Barlow; They Twain Shall Be One).  I don't think anyone has ever heard in a divorce court a litigant say, "I want a divorce because they were too selfless".  Selfishness seems to be one of Satan's greatest tools.  When it comes to physical intimacy, selfishness can cause a spouse to feel degraded, or used, or unworthy.  Only thinking of each other's needs before intimacy even begins can we hope to be giving and unselfish. When it comes to marital relationships, I truly believe that selfishness is founded in lack of knowledge about the divine nature of intimacy and respect for our partner.

     I am so blessed to be married to someone who was loving, supportive, and understanding when we first were married. I was like nearly all young,newly married LDS women.  I was very naive, and had no knowledge regarding intimacy and the role it was supposed to play in our relationship.  It was a difficult adjustment.  That is why I was very adamant about being open and honest with our daughters, and I believed it helped them adjust better when they married.

True Charity

     The C.S. Lewis quote in Goodard's book hit a bit close to home and caused me to seriously reflect on my attitude about charity.  In the quote, he states, "...nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity...surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is."  (or, in this case, woman). I did some soul searching about some of my knee-jerk reactions, and realize that many of them are when I am caught off-guard, and they are usually directed at the ones I love the most.  The annoyed reactions and impatience come with kids forgetting assignments or last minute needs.  Sometimes they are from altered schedules or unexpected guests.  I learned from this chapter that having charity does not mean I have to LIKE those things, but my reactions reflect on who I am as a wife, mother and daughter of God.  I recognize it now when my husband approaches me cautiously to tell me about an unforeseen meeting or change in our plans.

     Charity for those around me sometimes requires me to not verbalize my frustrations, but rather to understand I do not have to necessarily like the actions, but to love the person. I often get overwhelmed in the moment, and say more than I should.  To be charitable to my loved ones, I need to take on the following example: 

 

 

     I also loved the statement by Elder Max Caldwell that gives further insight into the true meaning of the word charity.  He compares charity to three dimensions of love of Christ; Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and love like Christ.   He explains that when we feel the love from Christ, we feel greater love for Christ, and are more capable of loving like Christ, which is true charity.  One of my daughters has the great gift of seeing other people as God sees them.  To her, they are beautiful, valued children of God.  I honestly have never seen her have guile for anyone.  She is able to give others the benefit of the doubt and is not cynical or judgmental when others look or act differently. I admire that gift and see it as pure charity. It is difficult to show charity if you feel pity for yourself or victimized by others. Charity requires us to step "out" of ourselves, beyond our wants and desires, and think of others first, as Christ set the example.    

Listen to Understand

I really sat up and took notice when I read the heading of Gottman's paragraph "The Key To ALL Conflict Resolution" in Chapter 7.  I thought, "Wouldn't we all love to know the key to that"?  His principle for conflict resolution is so simple and easy I don't know how I haven't realized it before.  He states, "It's just a fact that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are.  When people feel criticized, disliked and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves." 

 

And I had the perfect example of his principle come to life this week while I was talking with my daughter.  She has been very frustrated with the path her life has taken lately. She recently moved across the country with her husband and has not been able to find a job and has just graduated college.  She felt stuck in a rut she couldn't climb out from.  As she is (dramatically) venting to me all of her frustrations, I began to "fix" the problem by telling her she should volunteer, or serve with the missionaries, or go to the gym, etc.  The more suggestions I gave, the angrier she became.  The angrier she became, the more frustrated and annoyed I got with her.  We were going around in circles! After several minutes of spinning our wheels, I remembered this paragraph about conflict resolution and told her I was proud of her and wanted to support her.  She thought I was insinuating that she was being lazy or unproductive when I was giving her suggestions, while I was getting frustrated thinking I was only trying to help.  

 

Once I expressed my appreciation for her, and sympathized with her situation, our conversation took on an entirely different tone.  We had a wonderful talk that ended on a positive note, and she was willing to listen to some ideas that might help her situation.  There is a great, old adage that says "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar." Gottman also states in this chapter, "Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you." I learned from this that in order for a conflict to be resolved with love and respect, it must begin by expressing our love and appreciation for the other person and our desire to understand their perspective.

Beware of Pride

Pride is a very interesting and misunderstood concept.  We all want to be "proud" or our children, and we want our parents to be "proud" of us and our accomplishments.  But we have been told from a young age not to be "prideful".  So what is pride, exactly? Or humility?  Is it the opposite of pride? President Ezra Taft Benson defines pride in his May, 1989 Ensign article entitled Beware of Pride :

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.) Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled." 

This chapter could not have come at the more perfect time.  I consider my husband to be one of those enlightened, "emotionally intelligent" spouses that Gottman's Principle 4 (Let your partner influence you) describes. He is a wonderful father, supportive and humble spouse EXCEPT when he gets around friends or family! I don't know what it is about being around other people that brings out the "prideful" side of my usually sweet and thoughtful hubby! I don't know if he doesn't want to appear weak or powerless in front of them. His demeanor goes from tender to tough once he gets in front of the guys. He appears to be at enmity with me!

We've had many "discussions" on this phenomenon in the past. This particular evening, however, he asked me what I was reading.  I showed him some of the quotes from Goddard's book regarding humility and pride. He read the paragraph quoting President Benson's sermon which states, "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves... How everything affects me is the center of all that matters- self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking".  That opened up the opportunity to discuss an incident that happened at our family's house the day before.  It was like a light bulb went on!  He said he never even realized he was putting me down by making himself look "manly". 

I am so grateful for this chance to study on humility and pride because it gave my husband and me the reason to have a stress-reducing conversation (as described in Principle 4) about a situation that could be improved in our marriage.  It turned out to be a great blessing for us.

The Stress Reducing Conversation

I love the story told by Bart Benson in Goddard's book about the young missionary who gave marriage counsel to a ward member who was struggling with his wife over his church membership.  The advise given was for the husband was to take his wife into his arms, say I love you, and that nothing would replace her whenever they would argue, especially about the church.  That was such wise counsel from the missionary!  The wife was reacting out of fear, and once the husband stopped reacting to the fear with anger, but rather assurance, they could have a productive conversation.  This went hand in hand with Gottman's exercise, "The Stress Reducing Conversation".  

I wanted to cheer (I actually think I did!) when I read his 8 points on having a mutually beneficial conversation with our spouse.  The caring husband in the story used most of the points laid out by Gottman.  Instead of shouting at each other, he listened to his wife (#1- take turns), he didn't tell her how she should or shouldn't feel (#2- don't give unsolicited advice), told her he loved her (#7- express affection), and declared that nothing would replace her (#8- validate emotions).  What a treasure trove of wisdom in handling relationship conflicts!!  I could have avoided countless arguments over the years knowing these simple steps. The eight tools for listening techniques for stress-reducing conversations are:

1. Take turns

2. Don't give unsolicited advice

3. Show genuine interest

4. Communicate your understanding

5. Take your spouse's side

6. Express a "we against others" attitude

7. Express affection

8. Validate emotions

It took my husband and I years to  negotiate emotional conversations because he wanted to "fix" it, and I just wanted to vent my frustrations.  Or I would take the opposite view with my husband's issues in the hope that I was "helping" him see the larger picture.  We finally did learn, as was suggested by Gottman, to clarify our intentions and needs before we got into an emotionally charged issue- whether it was about each other, or about someone or something else we were dealing with.  I would say "I just need you to listen, and not fix it", or he would say "I need you to listen for understanding about my side of this issue".  Laying out the expectations beforehand did help us come to a resolution together.

One person I regard as a true expert in loving, successful marriages is Richard G. Scott.  He gave many General Conference talks about family, marriage, and happy relationships.  Below is a link to a  portion of my favorite General Conference talk from Elder Richards speaking on the Christ-like love for his dear wife and family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwHmjd70cso

:

Love Levels

I enjoyed the section from Goddard's book entitled  Heavenly "Sacrifice" and "Buying a Heavenly Home". I've been a real estate agent for 16 years, and I know what kind of preparation and price is paid to buy a home.  The parties involved in the purchase have to plan, prepare and commit to a long-term contract of home ownership, with a promise to repay a loan. It is not easy, and the buyers must be willing to sacrifice time and money to upkeep their commitment.

There has only been one great and true sacrifice on earth, and that has been the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  We may believe we sacrifice, however, there is always a blessing that comes with it.  Therefore, we never truly "sacrifice".  The Lord gives us experiences, wisdom, strength, insight, courage and further knowledge from the sacrifices we make.  Goddard recounts John Widstoe's words in his book, "Did you not leave a handsome property in Ohio, Missiouri, and Illinois?" Yes. "And have you not suffered through that?" No, I have been growing better and better all the time, and so have this people." The concept of buying into a Heavenly Home made me appreciate how we can grow better and better in our relationship by reflecting how we can make our spouse's life happier each day, in turn making ourselves more happy. 

 

For many years, I have had an analogy of "love levels" in my mind.  When we first marry, we are so excited to start a new chapter in life.  I call this a "young, inexperienced love level" because of the adventure and newness of a married relationship.  Then, when children come and bills pile up and responsibilities seem overwhelming, there is a "partnership love".  If we are not partners in raising a family, the family will suffer.  After the children are gone, it opens an entirely new phase of rekindling and getting to know each other again, which I refer to as "companionship love". Then the beautiful level of "Christ-like love" evolves.  Elder Eyring's video about his father taking care of his mother during her illness reminds me of pure Christ-like love.  This is a time where we love each other unconditionally, accepting each other the way we are, feeling a love so deep that we only care about the other person's comfort and happiness.  This kind of love comes from service and sacrifice.  I believe this is the reward and the blessing that comes from a lifetime of trials, experiences, living and loving.  Sadly, too many people are not rewarded with the Christ-like love because they give up at the partnership or companionship level when things are not going their way.  

Plug Into the Real Power

I began this week's reading with Gottman's chapters from The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.  I agreed with his findings, but found myself asking, "Why doesn't he encourage the spouse to serve more, or love more, or try humility like we have always been taught through the gospel?" I recognized the problems related to criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling that were described as the four horsemen by Dr. Gottman. Recognizing these symptoms in a troubled marriage can predict divorce, as Gottman claims, but what about "repairing" the broken relationship?

 

I felt as if Dr. Gottman's acknowledgment of base problems are like a power tool to help mend a marital conflict, but without the power plugged in. It is therefore helpful, but limited.  The true power of repairing relationships comes from Dr Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. As I read the first chapter in his book, I felt the spirit of truth as he explained that the only way to truly resolve conflict is to lean upon the Lord and learn from His example.   Together, these books can show us a way to not only diagnose the potential problem areas in marital communication, but also how to resolve the conflict in a way that that Jesus Christ has taught.  

 

There were two particular statements from Dr. Goddard's book that stuck out to me that would give a more spiritual and successful solution to marital conflict than Dr. Gottman offered.  He states, "Rather than learn a set of skills for dealing with difficulties, we seek a change of heart" (page 8).  The other statement suggests, "We sometimes are so concerned about being right in an argument that we fail to be good." (Page 16). By following the Lord's admonition of becoming  humble and giving ourselves to Him, the "power" to use communication tools becomes more successful. 

Three Bad Wolves: Better to Eat you with, My Dear!

Elder Bruce Hafen's talk certainly hit a chord with me.  I began reading it as though I were looking through the lens of a camera.  The subjects were "someone else's marriage". I started off the article reading about Tom and Tracy, and bride's declaration to her mother that, "Now, all my troubles are over".  It actually made me chuckle out loud.  After being married for over 30 years, I can see the situation from a more realistic, or experienced, camera angle.  I kind of felt sorry for them, knowing they have many trials ahead of them, as all couples do.  

A few more paragraphs into the article, I turned the lens on myself.  I recognized the wolves that Elder Hafen warned of in my own marriage. He writes, "Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity".  He explains that this type of wolf bears it's head through no fault of anyone's, as in the death of a child, illness, or loss of employment.  My husband and I have experienced a major job loss twice through downsizing, and also a bout of severe depression and cancer.  However, because of our temple covenants and commitment, these adversities actually strengthened our marriage. 

Next, Elder Hafen warns that "Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them".  This is where I needed to do some real examination of my own actions. I didn't particularly like this "selfie".  Even though my husband is a hard worker, wonderful father, great husband and worthy priesthood holder, I find myself being too critical about things that are totally insignificant. While reading, it seemed as though the little critical "digs" I often make flashed through my head.  I don't feel that I am cruel or overly harsh, but I make unwanted comments that are unnecessary.  It reminded me of our family rule for our children, which was to not say things if they weren't "kind, true, or necessary".  

The third wolf Elder Hafen refers to is "the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes."  I call that "entitlement mentality".  It is a disease that causes the breakdown of relationships. I see it especially in teaching school. Children learn from their parents that they do not have to be accountable for their actions, and that "they exist, therefore they deserve." I truly appreciated  Elder Hafen's warnings to avoid these three wolves, so they not be allowed to devour a covenant marriage. 

For myself, I plan to use this camera lens analogy to develop my own improvements in the area of imperfections.  I don't want this wolf to tear apart my family relationships, especially with my husband, who has been my support and companion and treats me with love, kindness and respect. 

I have (had) a very good friend named Brian who is gay and whom I have severed a relationship with.  Not because he is gay, but because of the way he began to treat me as he became more involved as a political activist advocating same sex marriage.  I have known him his entire life, and we have always enjoyed a very close relationship.  He often referred to me as his second mom. I supported him in all of his school activities, celebrated milestones, and spent a lot of time with him.  As he became a young adult, and announced his attraction to the same sex, our relationship did not change because we felt like "family", and loved each other.  He grew up in the church, so knows well my values and beliefs, especially those pertaining to eternal marriage.  It was never a problem until he began to become a proponent of same sex marriage. When I read the article "The Overhauling of Straight America" by Marshall Kirk, I was amazed that it was the exact same tactics Brian used on me! I never made comments related to Brian's sexual orientation, however, he suddenly became antagonist toward me. He would demand (loudly- tactic #1 from the article) that I "explain" how it is any of my business whether two men marry.  He tried to tell me that he was bullied as a child (victim-tactic #2) and that he felt bullied as an adult because he was gay.  He would message me every time an athlete or an actor disclosed they were gay (make gays look good-tactic #4).  The end of our relationship came when he began to call me a hypocrite and bigot, (make the victimizer look bad- tactic # 5) and finally indicated that I was not, or had ever been, a Christian if  I could not accept and condone same sex marriage.  I was sad to end that relationship, but I could not allow him to abuse me in that way any longer.  

 

Contrast that experience, however, with that of our backyard neighbors.  They are a lesbian couple who have been together for 20 years. My husband and I love them and value their friendship! Our discussions on marriage with them have been completely civil and tolerant, as our church leaders have directed in the article "The Divine Institution of Marriage".  They graciously asked me what my thoughts were on same sex marriage when they got married once the ruling made it legal in our state. They know I am Mormon and did not want to offend me or make me uncomfortable.  It was a very wonderful discussion, as I explained my beliefs regarding traditional marriage, but assured them that we loved them and wished them the best and that we would remain friends. They came with us to the Indianapolis Temple open house last month and were so impressed with the message of family and of the Savior.  Our understanding and friendship has improved because we approached the discussion with love and tolerance.   

Who Pays the Price?

"Divorce" is a strange concept to me.  Once married, a family becomes a unit in society, bound by laws and by familial attachments.  However, when a divorce occurs, that unit is broken and husband and wife are no longer responsible for one another and lead separate lives.  But what about the children?  Children cannot "divorce" themselves biologically from their parents, nor can the parent divorce themselves from their children.  There are laws that order the parents to provide financially, but what about emotionally?  I have known parents who are emotionally divorced from their children, and the children are the ones that suffer. What other kinds of social, economical, psychological, and spiritual price do children pay for divorce?

In a video produced by ABC News 20/20, "Divorce School For Kids", it is apparent that children are the ones to pay the emotional price for a broken marriage.  Children can be confused, blame themselves for the failure of the marriage, and resent parents for not making the relationship work.  One boy in the video expressed anger at his mother, even after a few years, because she had promised him that they would never get a divorce.  The mother believed her son would have trust issues as a young adult due to her broken promise. One therapist had older children write letters to their parents, expressing the hurt and disappointment they were feeling.  The children wrote to their parents how the divorce was affecting them. The report stated that these letters had more impact on the parents' attitudes than even judges and counselors. I thought that having an outlet for the children to express their feelings and thoughts was a brilliant idea, however, a little too late.  How much better for them had the parents simply listened to their children regarding how a broken family would affect their lives and their future relationships even before a divorce was contemplated.  

 

There are several ways in which children pay the price for divorce.  According to Paul Amato in The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96 he declares that, "Children in divorced families tend to have weaker emotional bonds with mothers and fathers than do their peers in a two-parent families." (page 77).  I find this very interesting because I believe that parents from a broken marriage desire and seek to have a strong emotional bond with their children since they no longer have the emotional support of their spouse.  In this instance, both the parent and the child suffers.  The child has no desire to be emotionally close to a parent for fear of getting hurt, and the parent does not have the comfort of an emotional bond as the child moves further away.  Amato also states, "..studies have shown that the differences in the well being between children with divorced and children with continuously married parents persist well into adulthood. For instance, adults who experienced parental divorce as a child have....weaker bond with parents, lower psychological well being, poorer marital quality, and an elevated risk of seeing their own marriage end in divorce."

 

I have known many married couples that have divorced, some for reasons I understood and some for reasons that bewildered me.  In the majority of those cases, the adults expressed that it was "their decision", and would not hurt anyone but themselves.  They could not see the bigger picture of how it would affect their children, even into adulthood.  These friends have also expressed confusion about the life choices of their adult children, and resentment that the children were not "there" for them when they needed support.  There are some counties that require pre-marital counseling before marriage.  Would it be a good idea to require "post-marital" counseling when a divorce with children is contemplated, and before the divorce is finalized?  It seems that innocent children should be awarded that small concession to help cope with their broken family.  

This sweet video of a 6-year old explains the affect that divorce is having on her, and pleads with her mother to get along with her father.  It is sad that there is a need for her to express these views, but she is wise beyond her years.  

https://www.facebook.com/dallin.muti/videos/10153215449442199/