Listen to Understand

I really sat up and took notice when I read the heading of Gottman's paragraph "The Key To ALL Conflict Resolution" in Chapter 7.  I thought, "Wouldn't we all love to know the key to that"?  His principle for conflict resolution is so simple and easy I don't know how I haven't realized it before.  He states, "It's just a fact that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are.  When people feel criticized, disliked and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves." 

 

And I had the perfect example of his principle come to life this week while I was talking with my daughter.  She has been very frustrated with the path her life has taken lately. She recently moved across the country with her husband and has not been able to find a job and has just graduated college.  She felt stuck in a rut she couldn't climb out from.  As she is (dramatically) venting to me all of her frustrations, I began to "fix" the problem by telling her she should volunteer, or serve with the missionaries, or go to the gym, etc.  The more suggestions I gave, the angrier she became.  The angrier she became, the more frustrated and annoyed I got with her.  We were going around in circles! After several minutes of spinning our wheels, I remembered this paragraph about conflict resolution and told her I was proud of her and wanted to support her.  She thought I was insinuating that she was being lazy or unproductive when I was giving her suggestions, while I was getting frustrated thinking I was only trying to help.  

 

Once I expressed my appreciation for her, and sympathized with her situation, our conversation took on an entirely different tone.  We had a wonderful talk that ended on a positive note, and she was willing to listen to some ideas that might help her situation.  There is a great, old adage that says "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar." Gottman also states in this chapter, "Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you." I learned from this that in order for a conflict to be resolved with love and respect, it must begin by expressing our love and appreciation for the other person and our desire to understand their perspective.