The Stress Reducing Conversation

I love the story told by Bart Benson in Goddard's book about the young missionary who gave marriage counsel to a ward member who was struggling with his wife over his church membership.  The advise given was for the husband was to take his wife into his arms, say I love you, and that nothing would replace her whenever they would argue, especially about the church.  That was such wise counsel from the missionary!  The wife was reacting out of fear, and once the husband stopped reacting to the fear with anger, but rather assurance, they could have a productive conversation.  This went hand in hand with Gottman's exercise, "The Stress Reducing Conversation".  

I wanted to cheer (I actually think I did!) when I read his 8 points on having a mutually beneficial conversation with our spouse.  The caring husband in the story used most of the points laid out by Gottman.  Instead of shouting at each other, he listened to his wife (#1- take turns), he didn't tell her how she should or shouldn't feel (#2- don't give unsolicited advice), told her he loved her (#7- express affection), and declared that nothing would replace her (#8- validate emotions).  What a treasure trove of wisdom in handling relationship conflicts!!  I could have avoided countless arguments over the years knowing these simple steps. The eight tools for listening techniques for stress-reducing conversations are:

1. Take turns

2. Don't give unsolicited advice

3. Show genuine interest

4. Communicate your understanding

5. Take your spouse's side

6. Express a "we against others" attitude

7. Express affection

8. Validate emotions

It took my husband and I years to  negotiate emotional conversations because he wanted to "fix" it, and I just wanted to vent my frustrations.  Or I would take the opposite view with my husband's issues in the hope that I was "helping" him see the larger picture.  We finally did learn, as was suggested by Gottman, to clarify our intentions and needs before we got into an emotionally charged issue- whether it was about each other, or about someone or something else we were dealing with.  I would say "I just need you to listen, and not fix it", or he would say "I need you to listen for understanding about my side of this issue".  Laying out the expectations beforehand did help us come to a resolution together.

One person I regard as a true expert in loving, successful marriages is Richard G. Scott.  He gave many General Conference talks about family, marriage, and happy relationships.  Below is a link to a  portion of my favorite General Conference talk from Elder Richards speaking on the Christ-like love for his dear wife and family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwHmjd70cso

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Love Levels

I enjoyed the section from Goddard's book entitled  Heavenly "Sacrifice" and "Buying a Heavenly Home". I've been a real estate agent for 16 years, and I know what kind of preparation and price is paid to buy a home.  The parties involved in the purchase have to plan, prepare and commit to a long-term contract of home ownership, with a promise to repay a loan. It is not easy, and the buyers must be willing to sacrifice time and money to upkeep their commitment.

There has only been one great and true sacrifice on earth, and that has been the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  We may believe we sacrifice, however, there is always a blessing that comes with it.  Therefore, we never truly "sacrifice".  The Lord gives us experiences, wisdom, strength, insight, courage and further knowledge from the sacrifices we make.  Goddard recounts John Widstoe's words in his book, "Did you not leave a handsome property in Ohio, Missiouri, and Illinois?" Yes. "And have you not suffered through that?" No, I have been growing better and better all the time, and so have this people." The concept of buying into a Heavenly Home made me appreciate how we can grow better and better in our relationship by reflecting how we can make our spouse's life happier each day, in turn making ourselves more happy. 

 

For many years, I have had an analogy of "love levels" in my mind.  When we first marry, we are so excited to start a new chapter in life.  I call this a "young, inexperienced love level" because of the adventure and newness of a married relationship.  Then, when children come and bills pile up and responsibilities seem overwhelming, there is a "partnership love".  If we are not partners in raising a family, the family will suffer.  After the children are gone, it opens an entirely new phase of rekindling and getting to know each other again, which I refer to as "companionship love". Then the beautiful level of "Christ-like love" evolves.  Elder Eyring's video about his father taking care of his mother during her illness reminds me of pure Christ-like love.  This is a time where we love each other unconditionally, accepting each other the way we are, feeling a love so deep that we only care about the other person's comfort and happiness.  This kind of love comes from service and sacrifice.  I believe this is the reward and the blessing that comes from a lifetime of trials, experiences, living and loving.  Sadly, too many people are not rewarded with the Christ-like love because they give up at the partnership or companionship level when things are not going their way.  

Plug Into the Real Power

I began this week's reading with Gottman's chapters from The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.  I agreed with his findings, but found myself asking, "Why doesn't he encourage the spouse to serve more, or love more, or try humility like we have always been taught through the gospel?" I recognized the problems related to criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling that were described as the four horsemen by Dr. Gottman. Recognizing these symptoms in a troubled marriage can predict divorce, as Gottman claims, but what about "repairing" the broken relationship?

 

I felt as if Dr. Gottman's acknowledgment of base problems are like a power tool to help mend a marital conflict, but without the power plugged in. It is therefore helpful, but limited.  The true power of repairing relationships comes from Dr Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. As I read the first chapter in his book, I felt the spirit of truth as he explained that the only way to truly resolve conflict is to lean upon the Lord and learn from His example.   Together, these books can show us a way to not only diagnose the potential problem areas in marital communication, but also how to resolve the conflict in a way that that Jesus Christ has taught.  

 

There were two particular statements from Dr. Goddard's book that stuck out to me that would give a more spiritual and successful solution to marital conflict than Dr. Gottman offered.  He states, "Rather than learn a set of skills for dealing with difficulties, we seek a change of heart" (page 8).  The other statement suggests, "We sometimes are so concerned about being right in an argument that we fail to be good." (Page 16). By following the Lord's admonition of becoming  humble and giving ourselves to Him, the "power" to use communication tools becomes more successful. 

Three Bad Wolves: Better to Eat you with, My Dear!

Elder Bruce Hafen's talk certainly hit a chord with me.  I began reading it as though I were looking through the lens of a camera.  The subjects were "someone else's marriage". I started off the article reading about Tom and Tracy, and bride's declaration to her mother that, "Now, all my troubles are over".  It actually made me chuckle out loud.  After being married for over 30 years, I can see the situation from a more realistic, or experienced, camera angle.  I kind of felt sorry for them, knowing they have many trials ahead of them, as all couples do.  

A few more paragraphs into the article, I turned the lens on myself.  I recognized the wolves that Elder Hafen warned of in my own marriage. He writes, "Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity".  He explains that this type of wolf bears it's head through no fault of anyone's, as in the death of a child, illness, or loss of employment.  My husband and I have experienced a major job loss twice through downsizing, and also a bout of severe depression and cancer.  However, because of our temple covenants and commitment, these adversities actually strengthened our marriage. 

Next, Elder Hafen warns that "Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them".  This is where I needed to do some real examination of my own actions. I didn't particularly like this "selfie".  Even though my husband is a hard worker, wonderful father, great husband and worthy priesthood holder, I find myself being too critical about things that are totally insignificant. While reading, it seemed as though the little critical "digs" I often make flashed through my head.  I don't feel that I am cruel or overly harsh, but I make unwanted comments that are unnecessary.  It reminded me of our family rule for our children, which was to not say things if they weren't "kind, true, or necessary".  

The third wolf Elder Hafen refers to is "the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes."  I call that "entitlement mentality".  It is a disease that causes the breakdown of relationships. I see it especially in teaching school. Children learn from their parents that they do not have to be accountable for their actions, and that "they exist, therefore they deserve." I truly appreciated  Elder Hafen's warnings to avoid these three wolves, so they not be allowed to devour a covenant marriage. 

For myself, I plan to use this camera lens analogy to develop my own improvements in the area of imperfections.  I don't want this wolf to tear apart my family relationships, especially with my husband, who has been my support and companion and treats me with love, kindness and respect. 

I have (had) a very good friend named Brian who is gay and whom I have severed a relationship with.  Not because he is gay, but because of the way he began to treat me as he became more involved as a political activist advocating same sex marriage.  I have known him his entire life, and we have always enjoyed a very close relationship.  He often referred to me as his second mom. I supported him in all of his school activities, celebrated milestones, and spent a lot of time with him.  As he became a young adult, and announced his attraction to the same sex, our relationship did not change because we felt like "family", and loved each other.  He grew up in the church, so knows well my values and beliefs, especially those pertaining to eternal marriage.  It was never a problem until he began to become a proponent of same sex marriage. When I read the article "The Overhauling of Straight America" by Marshall Kirk, I was amazed that it was the exact same tactics Brian used on me! I never made comments related to Brian's sexual orientation, however, he suddenly became antagonist toward me. He would demand (loudly- tactic #1 from the article) that I "explain" how it is any of my business whether two men marry.  He tried to tell me that he was bullied as a child (victim-tactic #2) and that he felt bullied as an adult because he was gay.  He would message me every time an athlete or an actor disclosed they were gay (make gays look good-tactic #4).  The end of our relationship came when he began to call me a hypocrite and bigot, (make the victimizer look bad- tactic # 5) and finally indicated that I was not, or had ever been, a Christian if  I could not accept and condone same sex marriage.  I was sad to end that relationship, but I could not allow him to abuse me in that way any longer.  

 

Contrast that experience, however, with that of our backyard neighbors.  They are a lesbian couple who have been together for 20 years. My husband and I love them and value their friendship! Our discussions on marriage with them have been completely civil and tolerant, as our church leaders have directed in the article "The Divine Institution of Marriage".  They graciously asked me what my thoughts were on same sex marriage when they got married once the ruling made it legal in our state. They know I am Mormon and did not want to offend me or make me uncomfortable.  It was a very wonderful discussion, as I explained my beliefs regarding traditional marriage, but assured them that we loved them and wished them the best and that we would remain friends. They came with us to the Indianapolis Temple open house last month and were so impressed with the message of family and of the Savior.  Our understanding and friendship has improved because we approached the discussion with love and tolerance.